You do everything “right” but your birth still ends opposite of how you planned
This post was supposed to be about my 2nd birth experience, my unmedicated VBAC, but I’ve continued to put it off. It doesn’t feel right. I was just recently a doula for my dear friend who was trying for a VBAC, but after 40 hours of labor it ended in a repeat cesarean. My heart has been absolutely broken for her, a feeling I know all you TOLAC mommas can relate to.
I continue to go back to her story thinking of things we could’ve tried or done differently, yet I am consistently reminding myself that we are not IN CONTROL of one’s birth story, let alone birth outcome. Let me tell you, this momma gave it beyond her all. Her mindset was steadfast, determined, & powerful. Her husband’s support was unwavering and worth commending. She did everything “right”. We got to pushing, and several hours later there was no “progress”. Baby was stuck.
I remember stepping out to call my doula-mentor and being like “you mean to tell me if this was 100 years ago they would’ve just died?” because even I was refusing to believe after all this mama’s tremendous effort we were going to be looking at another cesarean. Her reply though, “Maybe”, made me stop. I realized I was not in control just because I am a certified doula. Momma was not in control despite every measure she took to have a successful vaginal birth. No… there’s very little about birth we get to control. I said “Fine. Then we’ll just have to pray.” as I hung up the phone.
We prayed. We continued to invite God into the birth space while acknowledging His will trumps any doctor’s words, opinions, etc. His will can and will be done no matter the human interpretation. And what happened? A repeat cesarean.
Why? I don’t know. Would trying a different position, requesting the staff to turn the lights back off/leave the room, or never having gone into the hospital in the first place, had made a difference? I don’t know. But I’m going to argue no, because HIS will was ultimately done. Maybe one day we’ll (she’ll) get to know why, but maybe not. Regardless, I will forever be grateful and honored that I was able to be a part of this couple’s birth journey. I stand back and am in awe of this story: The power of a mother. The power of Grief. The power of God. (If you’re reading this, thank you friend; you have all of my love.)
So, as you prepare for your birth, I urge you to do all the things that ARE in your control.
- Hire a Doula – because they’re tremendously helpful. You deserve all the emotional & physical support you can get as you literally birth new life into the world.
- Take a Childbirth Education Course – Knowledge is POWER. It replaces fear with facts. It empowers your partner so they know what to expect and how to help you.
- Do the Miles Circuit, eat the dates, drink your tea, go on your walks – these things are GOOD for your body, womb, & baby. They’re healthy & so effective at preparing your body for the marathon its about to embark on.
… AND Leave space for the unknown. Surrender to the FACT that there is so much unknown with birth. Surrender to the God who knows your story but also your children’s stories, including HOW & WHEN they will enter this world.
If you are still healing from a birth that did not go how you planned, whether it was 10 years ago or last week, I am praying for you. Praying you find forgiveness and grace for your body. This world is not the world God designed for us; we lost that back in the Garden. And frankly, many of today’s births are not how He planned for it to be either. Yet, we can still find comfort in His grace & forgiveness.
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